It’s been over two weeks, and I still feel the pangs of loss, remorse, guilt and regret. It’s happened before, losing a loved one, but the timing this time was uncanny.
The 27th of July was our Wedding Anniversary, and it happened to fall in the middle of week. My husband couldn’t take that day off, so we planned to celebrate over the weekend. Doggone it, our 25th anniversary! We had to do something really special. David’s brother and sister-in-law went on a cruise to Alaska for theirs, and friends of ours are right now on a cruise to Alaska, celebrating their 30th! Sounds like I’m being a petulant brat here, given the crisis we were grappling with in our family, but it’s really just exasperation.
A cruise is an expensive trip we can’t afford. And we didn’t have a pet sitter who could take care of 3 cats and a very sick dog… Good grief, how could we go anywhere when one of our fur babies needed us?
Before I went to bed, I looked over bouquets of flowers online to send to my husband’s office the next day. I had a strange sensation of “What’s the point?” I didn’t order anything.
During the night, I got up to go potty and so carefully walked around our dog, Chance, so as not to disturb him. He always lay at the foot of our bed. His legs were stretched out, and he sometimes stretched in his sleep. In the faint glow of the nightlight I could barely see him, so I didn’t know yet.
I’ve been through this before, and the intense sadness and foreboding are palpable. Why am I so afraid of what might happen? I kept thinking, “I know my Chancy Baby is very ill, but he’s getting better with the medicine – isn’t he?” Pitiful… denying the inevitable.
Well, in the light of day on Wednesday, the 27th, I reached over to hug my husband (I still didn’t know) to wish him “Happy Anniversary, darling.” But the words didn’t come and I had an odd feeling of gloom and doom. David groaned (he already knew) and got up to take his shower…
I peeked over to Chance’s water bowl. One side effect of his medicine is increased thirst, and Chance drank water constantly, day and night. Damn! The bowl was full. Still under the covers, I looked over the end of the bed and saw Chance laying on his left side, legs stretched out and his right ear flopped back . I thought, “Ah, he’s relaxed and sleeping soundly.” But I didn’t see any sign of breathing. I finally got up and moved closer to him.
I hated saying it, “Honey, Chance has passed away.” I was crying but couldn’t bring myself to touch him. Death scares me, though I’ve seen it enough times with our pets. Doesn’t matter, it always hits you like a punch in the stomach. You feel sick and helpless.
David had to go to work. His company’s audit started that day. There I was, with a deceased pet, who had to remain in our bedroom until my sister-in-law and her boyfriend could help transport him to the clinic that afternoon. Chance was a rescue dog, a 14yr. old German Shepherd/Queenshound mix. He weighed 65 pounds, and I sure couldn’t lift and carry him myself.
Before they came, I said a prayer which I always do for any beloved family member who passes. We had bought for Chance an all natural holistic mouth spray from TruDog, but hadn’t started using it. His dental care paled in comparison to the cancer just diagnosed that was ravaging his body… Too little, too late.
He did outlive his brother, Lucky, who died of a heart attack just over two years ago. So sudden, we didn’t arrange for private cremation for Lucky at that time. At least Chance is getting an urn with a lovely sentiment engraved, from Bubbling Well in Napa, CA. We are also arranging for a “symbolic” urn for Lucky, so we have something more than his collar to remember him by.
Lucky and Chance were both rescue dogs – loyal, faithful companions right to the end. Animals don’t judge you, or question your motives. They simply accept you are you are – “warts and all” – a refreshing change of pace, compared to most people I know! What’s more, it’s worth remembering that DOG backwards spells GOD. I embrace this because I believe God loves us unconditionally, and without reservation. We all know dogs love their pet parents that way too! You know it when they plant a big wet one on your cheek… Arghh, doggie slobber! 🙂
Right now at my desk, I’m looking at a beautiful dedication on the back of the catalog from TruPet, by Lori R. Taylor, Founder & CEO. I’m not promoting this company. I simply like their message, and want to share it with you:
“Dedicated to the dogs who heal our hearts and make us whole.
May your legacy be the light that saves the world.”
Truer words were never spoken – or written. God Bless our faithful friends!